Morning - July 23

My alarm goes off, I hit snooze.  The alarm goes off, I hit snooze again.  My cat jumps on me, I hit the cat......kidding.  The alarm goes off, I get up.  I do my bathroom thing.

I walk into the kitchen, the cat jumps on the table and yells at me until I feed her.  I make coffee.  I am looking forward to making a smoothie, I look into the dishwasher and accckkkkkk!!!!! it is full of water and the dishes are still dirty.  I start the dishwasher again (genuis) to see if it starts draining.  It doesn't.  I call dad, he tells me to take the drain cover off and see if I can pull anything out...........ugh................I use a mug to take out as much water as I can, I then proceed to fight with my tools (handy, not really) to take the drain cover off and fish it out.  I find nothing of consequence.  I am so grossed out by the dirty water...will not vomit, will not vomit, will not vomit.  I don't.

I wash the full load of dishes and feel somewhat proud.  My fingers look like prunes.  I drink my coffee, but the thought of dirty water keeps me from eating.

balance

Unbalanced equilibrium

Giving and giving

Till the breath leaves

Like a dying wind in the desert

What is required

Must be freely given

To even the scales

Another dream

Last night I had a dream that was so vivid, I woke up and wondered where I was.  

 

I was shopping in Macy's with my ex and he brought up that he wanted me to try on a pair of shorts and I asked him why, he told me he wanted to get them for a friend.  I told him to stop pretending that the girl "his friend" wasn't his girlfriend from the other side of the change room door.  He was silent for a minute.  I came out and the shorts were fine, I went back and took them off and gave them to him.  I spoke up again and told him if he actually likes this girl he needs to make it official and not hurt her like he did to me.  As he was paying, she walked around the corner and gave him a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. She had no idea who I was, so I introduced myself.  The ex blushed and told her that I would be coming up to the BX to see his mom with them.  (um, I would not have done this in real life)

 

So when we got there his mom completely fluttered over me and this new girl was obviously annoyed.  His mom took me into the bedroom and immediately started to ask if I was annoyed about the new girl, if I knew her, was she nice to me, why couldn't come back and be with my ex.  She paused and saw a shadow at the door and whipped it open, the girl was there with a pissed off look, I don't blame her, she said she was looking for her purse. When she left I finally explained the whole reason why I couldn't be with her son to her and let her know I loved her.  Suddenly, ex came in and said he was mad that we were talking behind new girl's back.  I shot back to him that he should have never used me like he used to, that he should have never proposed once he found out I was really going to leave, that this girl was too nice to do that to either and he better get his act together. The girl came around the corner with a shocked expression.

 

And then I woke up....

 

Does this dream mean anything? Why am I wasting my nice REM sleep on him? weird...

Dreams

I remember back in 2005, when I knew that I was moving to NYC to teach, that I had a dream.  I dreamt about a student in a sea of faces. I saw her distinctly, her eyes were big and dark.  Her smile true and open.  Her hair, dark, pulled back.  And, you know what, I met her.

So not too long ago I had a dream about a little girl.  She had big hazel eyes and  wavy blond-brown hair.  She was about 3 years old.  She had a big smile and wore a brown dress with flowers on it.  She was running to me.  She ran right up to me, grabbed my leg and as she did she called me "mommy".  I hope I meet her.

OKAY okay

So I just re-read my blog.  Clearly I am not thinking positively everyday.  :)  It looks like I am being manic, but I blog when I am feeling strongly about something. I was thinking of deleting the last blog, and then I talked it over with a friend.  She reminded me that life is just like that, ups and downs.  I am just being real.  And it is okay, as long as I don't let the down times take me over.  It would be a waste of my life to dwell on the negativity.  I would lose out on the good things in life. I also needed to remind myself of where I came from and also that if I could handle the insanity that I had dealt with before.  I mean, okay, okay... it will be fine.

Ringless Finger and An Empty Womb *disclaimer - strong language

Okay, if I hear about one more girl, who was too fucking young to be in my youth group when I was a leader at age 19, who posts their fucking wedding pictures, I will scream.

You know Facebook is going to fucking drive me nuts this summer.  Summer is the time of weddings and babies (at least it seems like).  I am turning fucking 31 in 15 days and now I am having a serious crisis.  Last year, when I lived in NYC, there was nothing wrong with me about being single and childless. Now living in Canada is an entirely different situation.  "Don't worry Thera, you aren't that old."  "I am just so sure there is someone out there for you." "I am so glad I am not single, I don't know how you do it."  "You are going to love being a mom, one day.  I love it, I don't know what my life would be like without my kids."

The latest married is 21, ten years younger.  10 $%@^##!!@ years!!!

Are all the good guys gone?  Evidently, according to my wide research into the dating pool. There is a reason why these guys are single.  Choice one: lower expectations (might be fair, I do not have a 21 yr old's body, boobs, butt or excitement).  Choice two: just get over it and realize that I might be destined to never marry.  Fuck, fuck, fuck.  Fine, spend the thousands I would on a wedding and hit the spa more regularly.  That or get lots of cats.

Will I be barren?  My eggs aren't dead, but they are towards the end of their "best before" date.  I thought about it, can I be a single mom?  You know, adopt and deal with it.  It will be stupidly hard both time-wise and financially.  If I adopt will I get maternity leave? Hmmmmm. That or get lots of cats.

I know this is an angry blog, but fuck it....I got to get it out.  And if you don't like it go find some dumbass blog of note about country chic furniture. :) 

Super long Canada Day questionnaire that has nothing to do with Canada Day

1. Spell your name without an E,R,S,H,K,I,M,L,C,A,Y,N: TO 

2.Are you single? Yes


3.What is your favorite number? 15


4.What is your favorite color? I think blue, so many shades, so many possibilities


5.Least favorite color? green

6. what are you listening to? the TV and wind outside

7.Are you happy with your life right now? I am happier, I guess I need to focus on that

8.Are you involved with anyone? not really


9.What is your favorite subject in school/ college? Shakespeare


10.Do you shop at Abercrombie? I have been in one, I will not buy into their crap.  (or I just can't fit into their crap) but I go with the first option


11.Do you have money? in my wallet, yes...in my bank, yes... a lot, no


12.Would you take an ex back? only one, but I probably shouldn't 


14.Are you gay? happy, yes...homosexual, no


15.Where do you wish you were right now? on a massage table

16.What should you be doing right now? nothing, I am a teacher and it's summer, go ahead hate on me :)


THE CANS:

Can you blow a bubble? mos def
Can you do a cart wheel? not very beautifully
Can you touch your toes? oh yeah
Can you wiggle your ears? ? yeah, but my face looks silly when I do it
Can you touch your tongue to your nose? oh yeah, got tongue skills

THE DIDS:

Did you ever want to be a fire fighter? um, no
Did you ever want to be a teacher?  not initially, but alas, I am
Did you ever break the law? um yeah, speeding :)

THE DOs:

Do you like rollercoasters? I love them
Do you own a bike? no, prob won't either
Do you play the lotto?  nope 
Do you like football? if someone buys the ticket, yes I do
Do you have a shopping addiction? I could if I didn't remember how much money I actually have

THE DOES:

Does your family have family picnics? ha, that's a funny picture of my dad laying out on a blanket, thank you for the laugh 
Does your wallet have any pics in it? no, not with the thousands of dollars crammed into it
Does a soft answer turn away wrath? yup, need to work on it too

THE LASTS:

Last person you hung out with? co-workers at a pub, it was okay
Last car ride? just drove home from the barn
Last text message? to a new guy
Last baby you held? Easton, if he counts as a baby

LAST THING?
What was the last thing you bought? groceries, Ice cream for later yay!
What was the last thing you had to drink? I am having a smirnoff ice
What was the last thing you watched? Ghostbusters 2 was just on TV and I didn't change the channel, does that count
What was the last thing you read? some paperback mystery about the creator of Superman and his connection to Cain and ABle, yeah it was a stretch
What was the last thing you hand wrote? cards to my co-teacher and dean

THE WHOS:
Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Kimmy
Who was the last person you took a picture of? wow, IDK, Easton or Ella on my phone
Last person to leave you a comment? Neely, the sweetest girl
Who last hugged you? a couple of co-workers
Who last IM'd you? Tasha, the coolest girl 

CURRENTLY:
What color shirt are you wearing? hot pink
Have any tattoos? Not yet.......dundundun
Have you any piercings? just ears
Straight hair or curly or wavy? longish and naturally half wavy, annoying
Where are you? living room

HAVE YOU EVER:

Failed a class? Not that I can remember.
Confessed your love and been turned down? Yes. It was a long time ago. Do that enough and pretty soon you learn to just keep stuff like that to yourself.
Sang in front of a crowd? If you can call it singing. 

SIX THINGS YOU WILL FIND IN YOUR ROOM:
- clothes

-books

-alarm clock

-lamp

- iHome

- jewelry

THREE RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS:
1. In a relationship? stupid repeating question
2.Want a relationship? I want a healthy one
3.Wanna get married? yes

FOUR THINGS ON YOUR MIND:
1. I need more drinks in my fridge

2. If I had a million dollars, would i get plastic surgery?

3. I need a massage

4. Maybe I should try the lottery

The way to win your heart? love me, spend time with me, know that I love horses and I am not giving that up

When was the last time you really laughed? this afternoon, I was watching the Cosby show, why don't they have funny sitcoms anymore?

What are you like when you're drunk? wobbly 

Do you drink milk straight from the carton? that's gross

Who knows a big secret about you? a couple of good friends

How long is your hair? mid back

Who was the last person who told you they loved you? my mom....awwwwwwwwww.

When was the last time you sang out loud? had my iPod at the barn and was singing to the horses while riding

What did you have for breakfast? self-made latte, strawberry smoothie, half bagel...I was hungry

Is your birthday on a holiday? if the summer counts as a holiday

Can you cook? I think I am developing in that area

Did you have a nap today? Nope, but yesterday I did

What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? jeans, dude

When is your birthday? July 15th

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing? Victoria's Secret

Do you have any regrets? I do, but they made me who I am today, so I guess it is okay

Do you use an alarm clock? yuppers

Whats the first thing you notice of the opposite sex? smiles

What color is your favorite shoe? Black

Who would you like to see right now? Tasha

Who was the last person to call you? My dad

Are you a social or antisocial person? a little of both

Have the cops ever come to your house? Not yet......lol....no

Do you have a tan? on my face and arms...nice


Would you rather sleep in the bed with someone, or alone? alone right now

Ever had braces? Nope


Are you afraid of the dark? not unless I am lost in the middle of the woods and I hear branches cracking and the wind howling, otherwise no

Have you ever been in a mosh pit? no thank you

Do you always wear your seat belt? yup

Who was the last person to disappoint you? a co-worker, but that is her issue not mine

You know what you want to do with your life? I have a good idea

When and why did you last cry? I don't remember

How do you feel about piercings and tattoos? eh...whatever

Do you believe that what comes around goes around? definitely

What is your favorite fruit? strawberries

Does anyone love you? I know so

Where is one place you want to visit? Rome

Have you ever crawled through a window? yeah

Are you a morning person or a night person? depends on how good the coffee is

Are you a forgiving person? working on it

What are you listening to right now? same thing as before

Ever had a drunken night in Mexico? not really

Who was the last person to smoke a cig in your presence? prob a guy in the car ahead of me

Are you taller than 5'6? nope  :)